How many people do you think you’d hear say they’re happy their family walked away? That they’re happy they’re estranged from their family? Probably not many!
I grew up with this adoration of the idea of family. You know the whole “family comes first”, “family is forever” and so on. What I didn’t know was that there was so much more to family.
My “family” was really dysfunctional and I can remember it from a very young age. Separating holidays between certain family members because they couldn’t stand one another and refused to talk or be around one another. Constant battles, fights, arguments and really just pure toxicity! I guess I just kind of figured all families were dysfunctional, it was somehow “normal”. As I got older I realized it wasn’t normal whatsoever, it was hell.
Nonetheless, I grew up with this “family”, it was all I knew for 24 years. My grandparents raised me, so my family life was never really normal but it was a blessing to have them every step of the way. Then one day at the ripe old age of 24, my entire life changed, forever. What I didn’t know at that time was it was for the absolute best.
My mom (gram) passed away August 3rd 2012, that day was the worst day of my life. My mother, my grandmother, my coach, my best friend, was gone. One of the 3 constants in my life was gone, I remember that day like it was yesterday, the pit in my stomach, my heart shattered, feeling lost. After a long day with the “family” and emotions I took my kids home to go to bed. That night when I went to bed, I thought my life had already changed immensely, what I didn’t know was that it was about to completely flip upside down.
Apparently after we left the truth came out, a shit talking fest ensued. The minute my mom was no longer around to have my back, I was the point of attack. Now, for reference, there were many things growing up my “family” would say about me. “That’s not your mom”, “those aren’t your parents”, “she’s spoiled”, and so so much more. Whenever someone would say something the minute my grandma knew or heard it she would immediately jump into defensive mode and stand up for me. But when she was gone, it was “open season” and I was the target. I remember the day after she died my Dad (gramps) calling me and saying I wasn’t his daughter, just his granddaughter and nothing more. The man who raised me, rocked me to sleep, changed my diaper, protected me from monsters and storms, tore my heart into shreds with one sentence. That day I mourned the loss of my relationship with him; now we talk here and there, but our relationship hasn’t been the same since. I found out later that day the feelings about me were unanimous, and that day I lost my entire “family”.
I struggled with this for years, I wanted desperately to have my “family” back. The idea that 24 years of my life had been a lie broke me, shook my world to the core. I went through the grieving process for not only my Mom but the family I had known at the same time. After that the only communication I had with anyone was at funerals, there were a couple cousins I spoke to once in a blue moon, but nothing beyond that. At one point my cousin who had been my best friend since I was 3 and I finally started talking again. It led to me being invited to Thanksgiving dinner for the first time since Mom died. That moment was short lived and within months, it was back to no contact and being exiled.
I couldn’t wrap my head around it all, what did I do!? I’ve made my mistakes, I’ve paid for them along the way. I’ve done stupid shit I’m not proud of but I took my licks and apologized and like everyone else, I learned my lesson. I’ve always been a head strong female, opinionated, loud, boisterous. The kind of chick who marches to the beat of her own drum, living life on my terms, doing what makes me happy. I beat myself up for a while, I grieved it, I fought it.
Then, last year, my cousin passed away. At the funeral things were said, hugs were given and I thought maybe this is the turning point. Boy was I WRONG! I decided that once and for all I was done, that the “family” I had known was no longer a part of nor would ever be a part of my life again. I was able to finally see the toxicity and negativity of it all, it wasn’t serving me or my life in any positive way, and after 6 years I washed my hands once and for all.
Looking back at the last 7 years, I’m so thankful, and I’m oh so grateful. Had this not happened, I’d have likely ended up like a majority of them. Living in the same shit hole town, not expanding my horizons, spreading my wings or building my career. A majority of my “family” just kind of settled, settled for the first man to come along, small town life, a mediocre career (if any career at all). I’ve never been one to settle for less, or settle for much at all.
Instead I sit here, in my backyard oasis of palm trees in Florida. With a thriving career, 3 beautiful boys, 2 step kids, a husband who treats me like his queen, and friends I adore. Friends who are my family, so now, when I say family I’m talking about these people.
I never understood why my Mom always used to say “you don’t need a man” until I didn’t. I spent years rocking my life all by myself, just me and my littles. She always used to say things to me and later on, I looked back and realized. It was because she wanted me to live the life she never had, the one she couldn’t, the one she wished she had. To not depend on a man for anything, to travel, to dance, to live, to be the happiest I could be, to live on my terms, to be a free and wild soul.
Being estranged from what I used to know as my family was the best thing that ever happened to me. It allowed to me spread my wings rather then my growth be stunted. It gave me freedom, true happiness and got rid of all the negative and toxic bullshit I didn’t need. I’m happy I’m estranged from those people, because blood, blood doesn’t define family. Loyalty and love define family.
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