There are so many things you think you know about a person, but in the dustiest corners of our lives there are secrets, things that no one knows.
We all struggle, we’ve all been hurt, misguided, mislead. To put it frankly, we’ve all been through some shit. All too often we forget that others have gone through the same thing, or very similar. We forget that someone else has gone or is going through worse. We lose perspective because of our own emotions.
Often we escape the depths of life by running away to social media, to the internet, all searching for essentially the same thing. Advice, acceptance, understanding, love, affection, notoriety, for everyone it’s different. Then some people want to use it to help, even just one person, to help guide someone to shore in the dark sea they’re currently wading in.
** The following may be a bit emotional **
What do you want to know about me?! What do you think you already know?! If you know me even in the slightest you know I’m an outgoing, upbeat person who loves design of any kind! If you know me you know I’m a tough broad with a heart of gold. But do you know what It took to make me into the woman I am today?! Probably not.
Ill try to keep it short and sweet for y’all and not drag this out. When I was very young I went to live with my grandparents, I am blessed to have had these two raise me. Many of you know that, what most don’t know, not even most of my family members is why. Which I didn’t find out until about 6 years or so ago. My birth mother (let’s call her D) tried to kill me, yes, you read it right. Kill me! I know crazy right!? I obviously don’t remember it, but when I was told it all started making sense. About a year after I found out D actually exclaimed to my brother one night that she “should have killed me when she had the chance”. Harsh right?! My bio dad wasn’t around as from my understanding D drove him away with her craziness.
So fast forward a bit, my bio dad (lets call him J) wasn’t around. He claimed to have tried to be involved in my life and I’m sure some attempts were made but as a parent I can say with certainty he didn’t try hard enough. However, he did me a favor by not because I couldn’t have had a better upbringing so in reality I owe him a thank you.
Starting at age 5 I was molested and I was raped, mind you, this has never been spoken out loud before except to a few specific people who I’ve trusted and a great therapist! Not by one, but by two separate people, both who were “family” members, both who threatened many things to keep me quiet. And yes, it worked, I never spoke a word. At around 8 it finally stopped, I found ways to keep myself away from those two, that I wouldn’t be alone with them for any period of time for any reason. Still, I kept my mouth shut. I put it to the back of my mind and spent the better part of my pre-teen and teen years avoiding and ignoring it. You see, I never told anyone out of fear, and even at an older age I couldn’t tell my grandparents because I didn’t want that to burden them like it had me for so many years. I never wanted them to blame themselves for it.
At 12, I started fighting a battle with anorexia that no one noticed I was even fighting. You see, I’ve always been really good at putting on a tough face and a smile for the world, controlling what others see. I think partially due to my need as a child to make others happy all the while putting mine on the back burner. That lasted about 2 years, I was always tall and skinny so it was easy for people to go without noticing if I had lost weight, I often wore baggy clothes anyway which made it all the easier to hide. At 13 the depression set in, many times I considered ending my own life, many times I cried endlessly, and I never understood why I always felt so hopeless, so helpless.
As I grew up I subconsciously blamed myself for at the time what I thought was D leaving me (I didn’t know the truth until I was an adult remember) and J leaving too. I always had it in the back of my mind that if my own parents didn’t love me and didn’t want to stick around who else would. So for years I fought depression, my only outlets were writing and basketball. I started rebelling at 15 and I did some things I’m not proud of, I was a disrespectful little asshole. At 15 I reconnected with Larry, a boy I had met at 5 at the babysitter, a boy I had loved since the first day and had spent most of my childhood around. It was like a dream come true to finally date the boy I had always loved so deeply. We spent most of our time together with our third amigo Steve. Now since this was during my rebellious years you can imagine there was drinking and pot involved. We hung out all the time, the three amigos, I was elated because I loved him and he loved me and we were a couple finally. Four months in Larry & Steve were in a fatal car crash, I waited 10 years to lose him 4 months later. I was utterly crushed. I spent weeks unable to move, breath, feel, think or function. I skipped school and I didn’t care, I was ripped to pieces.
Fast forward, I moved on to the best of my ability, and I did end up meeting a boy named Zach who I dated all through high school. I applied to college and moved to Erie right after I graduated. I met Mike, who was the first person since Larry who made me feel really whole again. We dated for about a year, unfortunately there was a situation and he selflessly let me go. It broke my heart and I decided to try and move on. (We did years later talk about getting back together, we had a plan but he was in a fatal motorcycle accident and yet again I was left to pick up the pieces of my heart).
8 months later I met my now ex husband and father of my boys we began dating, 6 months later got married and 11 months later welcomed our first son (Brady) into the world. A few months after that we were expecting again, and the following July had our second son (Braylon) together. Our marriage was bad, he was an alcoholic who didn’t know how to keep his hands to himself when he’s drink or control his temper. After Braylon was born I broke down one night and made my decision, one I had been thinking about for months and months. I decided to end my marriage for the mental health and well being of my kids and myself.
The first few years were rough, he wasn’t the best father, in and out of jail, didn’t financially help, barely saw the boys. I was solely responsible for two little lives. I struggled my ass off, my grandma helped when I needed it, and I spent a lot of time crying and mind fucked as to how I was going to make it all work. I just kept moving along. After a few years he finally got his shit together and started being a good dad, involved, loving, and more importantly sober. He became one of my very best friends and to this day were thick as thieves.
A few years later my grandmothers health got bad, I sat by and watched Alzheimer’s take over slowly. I watched my grandpas heart break as he watched his wife slip away. She fell and broke her hip, and the anesthesia made the Alzheimer’s worse that was February 2012. August 2012 my grandmother passed, I was devastated, I felt a pain I’d never known, one I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. My grandmother, my mom (the woman who raised me and took care of me basically my entire life) and my best friend was gone! The next day I got a phone call from my grandfather, he was telling me I was nothing more then his granddaughter, not his daughter and that she was not my mother. I came to learn that after I had left the house the previous day after holding my dead grandmothers hand for hours, begging that it be a joke and she breath again, and watching her being wheeled away into the funeral vehicle that my family hated me. That my entire life they played like they cared/loved me because they couldn’t say how they felt with her around because they knew she’d defend me and to be frank, she’d ream them a new asshole. So within 24 hours I not only lost my mother, but my entire family all at once. Talk about a moment of complete and utter mind fuck!
A couple years ago I met a guy, we both were going through some shit and we just clicked because at that moment we needed each other in a way no one else could help us. We started hanging out all the time, texting, what have you. After a few months we decided to make it official. That’s when the waters got a bit muddy. He started getting possessive, but he had me wrapped. He was a classic sociopathic narcissist who knew how to play the game. A few months later we moved in together and that’s when things started getting bad. He would get mad (drunk or sober didn’t matter), backed me into corners, threw things at me, more then once threatened to kill me. About 7 months later I ended it, I told him to get out, it wasn’t easy but he left. He then proceeded to stalk me, harass me via texts/calls etc, when I blocked him he’d harass my friends about me, show up at my house at all hours of the night. It took two months and I finally had enough proof he was stalking me to get a PFA (restraining order). Four months later, like a drug, I was back, I like an idiot dropped the order and went back. He moved back in and within a month it all hit the fan again, except it was getting worse, guns pointed at my head, I would be terrified to go to bed unsure if I would wake up the next day, he stared getting violent in front of the kids rather then just when they weren’t around. One night it all came to a head, he punched me in the jaw in front of my at the time 6 year old. I was done, my kids begged me to never date him again, and I promised them that and I kept that promise.
Now. Here’s the happy ending! ☺️
A short time after that I met Jammie, Jammie soon became the love of my life and my best friend. We now have a beautifully blended family of 4 boys and 1 girl, (including our little peanut Bransen) he treats me like a princess and shows me every bit of everything I deserve.
So now you know some of my deepest most terrible moments of my life, obviously there were a lot of small battles between the big wars but we’ll save those for another day! Lol. Without those battles and without those wars and without a very strong female role model I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t be a tough broad, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am, I wouldn’t know all of the things I do, most importantly I wouldn’t be me. So remember when life shakes you to the effing core, there’s a damn good reason for it and there’s a lesson you’re going to learn and it will help you find you, it will help you love you. Whatever you’re going through right now you will make it through and it will all be okay and it will get better, trust in the journey, trust in the process, trust in the lessons. ❤️
PS: I promise the next post will be way more fun and exciting! ❤️
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